An escape into the mists of my mind

Title:	Helpless
Date:	2008-07-12 @ 23:55
Security:	public

I don't know how to help her.

It's frustrating sometimes, because I think the biggest answer to her problems would be telling her to get over it and just deal with people in a job that she could do....

Because you can't just want to lay in bed, cuddle, and sleep.

You have to want more than that from life, don't you?

Why don't you?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do to help.

*sighs*

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Title:	Test. Thanks, Jesse.
Date:	2008-07-11 @ 15:04
Security:	public

Your result for The Attachment Style Test...

The Cling Wrap

You want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but you often find that others are reluctant to get as close as you would like. You are uncomfortable being without close relationships, but you sometimes worry that others don't value you as much as you value them. You tend to follow people around, trying to make them like you by doing nice things for them. Unfortunately, this tactic tends to make people uncomfortable.

Fictional character with whom you might identify: Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones' Diary), WALL-E (WALL-E)

Ta-Da!

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Title:	Coming Out
Date:	2008-07-11 @ 14:46
Security:	public

So....I came out to my mom as a pagan.

At first, I thought she took it better than I expected. General mumbling, maybe with the mention of grandparents turning over in their grave and the possibility of hell.

Then there was the drive home.

I guess she decided that she wanted to have a discussion about it, which would be okay, except the questions she wanted answers to were fairly complicated. Besides, not only were they somewhat complicated, they were really complicated for someone who doesn't know hardly anything about the theology aspect of it. *sigh* I ended up telling her that the whole conversation wasn't fair to me, and that I didn't have the proper resources to equally participate in the conversation.

She also took that part alright. She probably still thinks I'm going to hell or something.

*shrugs*

Well, we all have our rough spots, right?

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Title:	Possibilities
Date:	2008-07-07 @ 16:05
Security:	public

Is it possible to love someone whom you've never met?

Is it possible to make a relationship work of someone who is an ocean and 6-time spans away?

Is it worth it to try?

Is it silly to feel this way?

I'm so infatuated with him. Someone I've never even met in person. He's in England.

I don't know what to do, or how to feel.

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Title:	Untitled
Date:	2008-06-04 @ 13:16
Security:	public

I don't know how to be healthy.

I don't know how to eat healthy, sleep healthy, do anything healthy. I wish there was someone to regulate me, so that I don't have to try to make myself do it.

It'd be easier that way. I'd become accustomed to what portions look like, maybe regular eating times.... Sleep...well....I'm sort of working on that.

Part of me wants to be healthy...somewhat. Part of me wants to look good. I just don't know how.

I wonder if going to someplace that does that sort of thing, like planning and whatnot, would be beneficial....would it be worth the money?

Could I make myself work out?

I'm not so sure that I can do it...but I want to...I feel helpless.

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Title:	Rambling Updates: Sex-talk, if you dare
Date:	2008-05-31 @ 09:33
Security:	public

My my my. It feels like forever. I almost updated last night, in the middle of the night, because I felt completely alone. Maybe because it was completely alone, you think? It was.....somewhere in the vicinity of 3 am, and what was keeping me awake couldn't be solved by anyone.

I found myself in an awkward position with myself last night. Maybe it was because I watched some of the L word, but for the first time since school let out, I craved sex...with a woman. I became overwhelmed last night with the desire to kiss a woman, to touch one, to commune with the pleasure I could give her. Honestly, it was probably the first time I've ever felt like a serious lesbian. Which is kind of ironic, because I'm not seeing one right now. Quite contrarily, I'm spending time (but not dating) with a man that I was engaged to before I had ever done anything with a woman.

In these last two weeks, I realized how much I genuinely missed him. However, as would be expected, one particular area hasn't changed much. I've been treated to pleasure twice from him, and it wasn't through sex. There was one instance of actual sex attempted, and failed (and not because I refused). Honestly, up until last night, I didn't mind so much. In my mind, I've tried to create an intimacy stronger than physical between us. Some couples have that kind of special bond, and I thought that he and I might be making way towards that kind of closeness, where sex isn't important. I have a toy, and I could be fairly happy with that. However, as he and I have discussed, my concern now is not with how much sex we're having, is whether or not sex is going to be a problem when the time comes that I want children. What really scares me, is that he doesn't have an answer for me. No reassuring "yeah, when that time comes, I'll be willing to try as many times as it takes..." or anything like that. No possible solutions that I'm not thinking of...just a shrug and a look down. I don't know what to say to that, you know?

It dawned on me last night, you see, that the reason the lack of sex hasn't bothered me isn't really a desire to achieve an intimate closeness after all. Part of me hates to wonder it, but what if Kie is right? What if it really is because I don't enjoy sex with men? I mean, you know, I've tried. It's not like I've only ever had sex with 1 man. Even through sex with different people, my feelings on sex haven't changed. I've never really viewed my opinions/personal preferences as weird...but people always seem to think me weird when I begin to discuss it.

You see, I don't view sex as a very emotion-heavy thing, the majority of the time. I do see it as an intimate connection, but to me, sex is not a big deal, in any form. Not to say that I don't enjoy foreplay, because that's not true. I do want my foreplay, but when it comes down to it, I want sex that is raw, passionate, even greedy in it's taking. To be overwhelmed by it. If I want someone to make love to me, I will ask them to. I very completely understand the difference between making love and being fucked...and quite frankly, most of the time, I'd rather be fucked. Is there really something wrong with that? Other things that make the difference for me, I suppose, is that I've never reached orgasm during intercourse. It feels nice, but it's not going farther than that for me, it seems. I have to get off during foreplay, because it's not going to happen during intercourse. But I don't mind that part either, if it's done a certain way. I even find it enjoyable. I enjoy the sense of power the partner exudes when using my body. I like to feel the control. Is that wrong, too?

I feel so much more confused about what I want than ever before it seems. It's kind of frustrating. After sleeping, the craving for a woman's kiss and touch still lingers. I don't know what to do, or who to talk to about this.

So, thank you LJ, for being my unbiased outlet.

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Title:	Whatever spills out of my brain
Date:	2008-01-22 @ 17:22
Security:	public

The temperature in this lab is ridiculous. You'd probably kill someone to have this kind of temperature, Jesse. It's just in these rooms, though. Libraries aren't supposed to be hot. >.<

I had an interesting and somewhat enlightening night the other night.

Because of this night, I think I know what hazing feels like. What happened wasn't fraternally related at all, but the situation felt....almost indescribable. I wasn't physically hurt or violated. One would even say that I did it to myself. That's not exactly true, but it's not really a lie, either. I don't think that I feel comfortable talking about it here.

I'm the new Vice President-Ritual of my organization. I'm both excited and scared to have been given this opportunity. I hope I can bring myself to do all that needs to be done for the organization.

I think the Celexa is helping me a lot more than I expected. That kind of makes me happy.

My classes this semester are so time involved, but soooo interesting, too. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm constantly going somewhere or doing something.

I'm sexually and relationship confused. I don't know what I want, and I don't know how to go about figuring out what I want. It's really pretty frustrating, not only for me, but for the other persons involved. Laura is so understanding. I really enjoy that about her.

I'm pushing back the beginning of my formal training in Wicca until after that date that it mentions in the book that I have. I'm mostly doing it because I've gotta get into the swing of things for the semester, and so that way I'll begin when "traditional" students would normally begin study. However, I still wear my pentagram every single day. I LOVE it. ^___^

I'm going to the club friday night. I'm going to be dead tired by sunday. You see, I'll be at work until 9 pm, then I'll be leaving for the club so we get there before midnight, the drag show is at 1 am, and we'll get back sometime after the show, which could be between 3-5 am, I'm supposed to be at work at 8:15 am saturday morning, I get off work at 3 pm, my sister gets off work at 4 pm, and I think I'm going to pick her up so we can bust our asses getting to searcy before 6 pm, which is my high school best friend's wedding. Then who knows what time we'll get back, and I'll probably have to work 7 am-3pm on sunday. However, that last part isn't completely finalized yet. It's going to be a long and fun weekend.

I can be such a crazy sometimes.

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Title:	random update dance
Date:	2008-01-04 @ 23:25
Security:	public

Well, it's been a while.

My entries are very inconsistent, as I'm not very good at posting.

Either way, eh.

I'm with Laura. She's a wonderful woman. I'm not really sure about us long-term, because of some personality differences, but I'm willing to try it for now, because I'm not looking at long term. I still have pretty strong feelings for Casey. I'm not really sure what to do about that, her being my best friend and all.

I'm still struggling with my sexuality. There's a couple of people/things that keep me wondering about it, but it seems that I may be a bisexual-leaning-lesbian. I'm not really sure about it all right now, but as I've been assured many a time, it's not like it's something that I really have to decide this second. Although, it would be nice. I think my mom may be slightly accepting something. I'm not really sure what, but I've been able to talk to her about my relationship(s) more.

I want to be a Wiccan. I haven't exactly said that to mom (I told her that I was studying Wicca), but...it's not something she likes.
"You can study that garbage after college."
*le sigh*
I'd managed to wear my pentagram (which Jesse gave me!) every day that I'd been home, except today, where I didn't get to wear it for about half the day-ish, and then I just put it on, and if she noticed, she noticed. She didn't say anything to me, so who knows.
I'm hoping to start my studying pretty soon. However, I may wait until after this and start on that traditional time. That would give me...roughly...a month, to prepare time for it, maybe work up the nerve to call Gypsie.

I had a doctor appointment thursday concerning my ADD medication. Just a check-up, you know.
The thing is, I'm not very good about taking my pills for it. I don't like to take them because they make me feel depressed and stuff. Not happy and bubbly, like I always am. I expressed this problem to my doctor, and now I'm on an antidepressant, with suggestion to counseling, to help me. I feel like I'm kind of broken, being on it. I'm sure more people are on them than it really seems, but still. It seems weird, but even in this short time, I have been taking my pills, and with the antidepressant, I don't feel that way. So, I'm kind of happy in that respect.

I was thinking about New Year's resolutions. I think that this year, I want to have just one somewhat big resolution. I want to get motivated. I've never been able to motivate myself to do anything really, especially regarding my weight. Mom thinks that I could get down to a 13/14 by this fall. I'm not so sure. She's been reading some books for maybe diets to help me. We've also talked about hypnotherapy. It seems pretty interesting. I think I'm reaching a point to where I'll try anything if it will help me. Casey's going to be working out at like...6 in the morning this semester. Mom thinks I should go with her. I'm almost thinking about it. We'll see.

I'm in for a busy semester.

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Title:	Untitled
Date:	2007-10-08 @ 15:12
Security:	public

I feel like I have so many things to say because I've been meaning to update for a while now.

Firstly-

Since my last post, I can't help but smile everytime my friend calls me. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but his name is Damon, either way it goes, so it will be easier for me to do this. I'm so confused and giggly and in pain, at the same time. I think he's trying to win me over gradually. We keep talking, learning a little bit more about each other through our usually short conversations. We're trying to arrange a meeting, because it's been so long since we've seen each other. I've changed quite a bit physically since then, and I'm afraid of what he'll say when he sees me for the first time since I was a freshman. Since he's only really been doing physical work since I last saw him, I imagine that he's quite...well....muscular. I've never really been one for muscles...but...well...the idea sounds nice.

I don't know what to do. I'm so confused about my feelings. If I am to keep this up, I need to stop what I'm doing with Laura. I think I'm afraid of putting my heart out there and having it broken...and I don't want to hurt Laura. That's the last thing I want ever. She's such a dear, and if I could take all the pain in her life away from her, I would, without a second thought.

My emotional pain is getting a little bit better each day, my lament over Casey. Some days, I feel like I could be completely ready, then it feels like I have a setback, and then I'm lamenting over her again. I'm glad that she's been as supportive as she can through all of this, because I know it's been difficult on her, too, dealing with me this way.

Secondly-

My little sister is now engaged.

I have very mixed feelings about it.

I want to be happy for them, I do.

I feel like a bad sister. Andy showed me a picture of the ring on the website before I saw it in person, and my heart sank and fell numb. He got her a heart-shaped stone. Now, that seems like a pretty silly thing to be upset about, but...it was what my engagement ring was, when I got engaged. I've always always ALWAYS wanted a heart-shaped stone. It was MY thing. I really resented that he got her one, too. Also, I think part of my problem is that I always imagined that it would be me getting married first, and well....while their wedding is still a good deal of time away, it will probably be her before me. I've been feeling somewhat jealous, and I don't know how to control that. Does feeling this way make me a bad sister?

*sighs*

I wish I could just know everything sometimes.

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Title:	Untitled
Date:	2007-09-27 @ 21:09
Security:	public

Well now,

For the most part, I'm emotionally more stable. Each day is getting just slightly easier.

I got a tattoo today.
It still feels a bit unreal, but so awesome at the same time.

My right ear is acting funky. I don't like it.

My birthday was good. I'm pretty happy. :)

Now, if I can just get everything caught up. I feel so behind.

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